#2 The Ten Commandments of Grits1. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
2. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits; for this is blasphemy.
3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits.
4. Thou shalt only use Salt, Butter and Cheese as toppings for thy Grits.
5. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
6. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
7. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
8. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
9. Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits either.
10. Thou shalt not put sugar or syrup on thy Grits.
#3 Safe to swim here?While fishing off the Florida coast, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old guy standing on the shore, the Yankee shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em."
Courtesy of Aaaha! Jokes, Jokes.Glowport.com
# 4 Business and fishingOne day a southerner was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a Yankee businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the Yankee businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what would my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the Yankee's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You'll make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The Yankee businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you'll never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset, without a care in the world!"
The fisherman looked up at the poor Yankee and smiled. Courtesy of Aaaha! Jokes, Jokes.Glowport.com
#5 Bear Hunting YankeesTwo Yankee's came down to Louisiana to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road and a sign that read "BEAR LEFT"; so they went home.
#6 Northern HumorQ. Do Southerners laugh at different things than Northerners do?
A. Yes-- Northerners.
(Courtesy of Roy Blount)
#7 "Show him 'yer papers…"Some linemen were busy putting up telephone poles through a farmer's fields. The farmer ordered them off his land, whereupon they showed him a paper giving them the right to plant poles wherever they pleased. Not long afterward a big and vicious bull charged the linemen. The old farmer sat on a nearby fence and yelled, "Show him yer papers, darn ye, show him yer papers!"
Courtesy of WWW.CLEANJOKES.NET
#8 "Yankee on Vacation"A fellow from Boston was in Louisiana visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable southern way of life-- something he was not accustomed to, being from the north.
While walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until he was dead. As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street.
He announced that he was the star reporter for a big Louisiana newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous. "LOUISIANA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH," the headlines would proclaim.
The would-be savior thought that this sounded great, but explained that he was from Boston -- not Louisiana. The next day the headlines of the Louisiana paper read: "YANKEE KILLS FAMILY PET."
A special thanks to Aaaha!Jokes for this week's chuckle.
#9 "Big City Lawyer…" A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer whose
prize bull was missing from the section through
which the railroad passed. All the farmer wanted
was to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the
justice of the peace in the back room of the general
store. On the day of the trial the attorney for the railroad
immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him
to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best
selling job and finally the farmer agreed to take
half of what he was asking. After the farmer signed the release and took
the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating
a little over his success, telling the farmer, "You
know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
caboose when the train went through your farm that
morning. I didn't have a single witness to put on the
stand. I bluffed you!" The old farmer replied, "Well, sir, I'll tell you,
I was a little worried about winning that case
myself. That darned bull came home this morning."
#10 "Alligator Warnings"
Did you know?The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is
advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take
extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in
St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such
as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not
startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise
the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of a 'gator
encounter. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of
alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference
between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones
and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them
and smell like pepper.
#11 "Just Rewards"
Heard about then old country doctor who went way out to
the boondocks (a southern term for way out there) to
deliver a baby? It was so far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the
laboring mother and her 8-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern
high so he could see, while he helped the woman
deliver the baby. The mother pushed and hollered and after a long while,
the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet
and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his
first breath. The doctor then asked the 8-year-old what he
thought of the baby. The little boy responded: "I would've spanked him, too!
He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."
#12 "Cajun Air Lines"
Now, now before my wonderful cajun subscribers start flaming me,
please know this week's chuckle is all in fun. I promise to poke
some redneck fun soon. ~Shellie "Cajun Air Lines"
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying to Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was
flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back when da plane started
bouncin around and knocked Boudreaux unconscious. Pierre got
worried when da plane started driftin, and come up to da front to
find Boudreaux sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.
Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin so he grab da microphone
and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210.
Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin
dis plane!" "Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry 'bout
nuttin. We gonna splain you how to land dis plane, step by step.
Furst, how high you are, an whas you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to
da front of dis plane." No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you
location?" Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an I'm from
Lawzeeanna!" "No! No!" came the exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many
feet you got off da ground and you planes relation to da airport!"
Pierre, he really be panicking by dis time. He say firmly,
"Counting Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off
da groun! An I don believe dis plane be related to you airport!"
A long pause in da Control Tower--de silence was deafaning and
then the voice come back--
"We needs to know who be you next of kin.." (Special thanks to Dude Halley for this week's chuckle!)
#13 "All Things to All People"
Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated
beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would be Romeo, asked, "What type of man attracts you?"
"I've always been drawn to Native American men," she replied. "They're so in tune with nature."
"I see," the man said, nodding. "But then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a
pedestal and I can hardly resist the way Southern men treat their ladies with such respect."
"Please, forgive me for not introducing myself properly," said the man. "My name is Running Bear Goldstein, but all my
friends call me Bubba."
#14 "The Problem with Technology"
They call this area of the country the Bible Belt and just about everyone around has seen the type of preacher in
this week's chuckle. Picture this fellow as the larger than life, louder than loud, animated
version. A certain country preacher was wired for sound with a new lapel
mike. He moved briskly around the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Unfamiliar with this new technology, he managed to get wound up in the cord every few minutes, each time nearly tripping
himself in the process before jerking the cord roughly. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third
pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
--Thanks to Peggy from Monroe, La. for this week's chuckle.
#15 "Cajuns Enter the War"
I hadn't planned on dropping back in on Boudreaux so soon, but
I couldn't resist this one. I love the optimism. ~ShellieCAJUNS ENTER THE WAR!
The Cajuns heard that Saddam Hussein was going to help Osama bin Laden and they decided to get involved. Saddam Hussein
was sitting in his bunker when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Boudreaux down at the Fred's lounge in Mamou, Looziannah. I'm
callin' to told you we be officially declarin' war on you!"
"Well, Boudreaux," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important
news! How big is your army?" "Rat now," said Boudreaux, (hesitating) "there is me, my
cousin Thibedeaux, my nex door neighbor Justain, and the
whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!" Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have
one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Hmmm..." said Boudreaux. "I gots to call you back
later!" Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some
war equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm tractor." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers." "Hmmmm..." said Boudreaux. "I gots to get back to you later."
Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some airborne!
We've took Marcell's utra-light glider an we put us shotgun in the cockpit, and Hebert gots out of jail today
and he is gonna join our army too!" Saddam cleared his throat. "I have 10,000 bombers and
20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we
last spoke, my army has increased to TWO MILLION!" "Hmmm...", said Boudreaux, "I gots ta call you back
later." Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day. "Bon jour, Sad-damn! You is lucky--we is callin' off dis
war." "Oh, really?" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Boudreaux, "we all had a long talk at the bar
and Sheriff Broussard he say no way he's gonna feed no two
million prisoners!!"
--Thanks to Jennifer Dartlone for this week's chuckle.
#16 "A Bad Experience Gets Worse"
Did you hear the one about the Yankee relative who came down
south for a visit? Seems he had a bad experience at the local
church.After the service the pastor stood at the door of the church
to shake hands with the congregation. "Mercy!" he exclaimed, as he saw their visitor. "What happened?
I don't remember your having those black eyes when you came in."
The Yankee hesitated before answering, "It's kind of embarrassing.
You remember the large lady that stood in front of me during the
song service? Well, I noticed her dress was wedged, so I thought
I would be helpful, and I reached to pull it out. That's when she
decked me in the right eye."
"I'm so sorry," the pastor said sympathetically, "That explains
a lot. But what happened to your other eye?"
"Well, she was so angry I thought I should put it back in."
#17"Multiple Births"
Okay, I've poked a little fun at the Yankees and laughed
a bit at Boudreaux's expense. Now, true to my word, here's a redneck funny.
"Multiple Births" It seems a very excited redneck called the country doctor
to his house to deliver his wife's baby. During the labor, the lights went off and the doctor had to
ask the expectant father to hold the lantern near so he could
assist in the baby's birth. After the arrival of the first baby the redneck was about
to put the lantern down on the table when the doctor hollered,
"Wait a minute, hold that lantern back up. I believe there
is another baby coming! " Sure enough, the lady delivered
a second infant. The redneck was again ready to place the
lantern on the table when the doctor yelled, "Wait a minute!
Hold that up again, here comes another one!"
Completely dazed, the panicking father scratched his head
and asked the doctor, "You reckon it's the light that's
attracting them?"
#18"The Big Dog Fight"
Boudreaux and Osama decided to settle the war with one
big dog fight. They agreed to spend five years breeding
the best fighting dogs in the world. At the end of that time
the owner of the winning dog would be entitled to dominate
the world.
Osama and his dog handler, Mohammed, found the biggest, meanest
Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the
biggest, meanest Siberian wolves they could find. From their
litters, they selected the biggest strongest puppy and trained it
day and night to fight to its death.
After five years Osama and Mohammed came up with the most vicious
dog the world had ever seen. The animal was kept in a cage with
steel bars that were five inches thick and no one dared get near it.
When the day of the big fight came Boudreaux and his dog handler,
Pierre, showed up with a nine foot long dog, the strangest looking
thing anyone had ever seen! Boudreaux said it was a Cajun Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for Boudreaux because they knew there was no
way this poor excuse for a dog could possibly last 10 seconds
with Osama's big, mean animal.
When the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly came out wagging
its tail before waddling over towards Osama's dog. The Doberman/
Rottweiler/Wolf snarled and charged the poor Dachshund. But just
as Osama's dog got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened it's
mouth and ate Osama's dog in one bite--leaving nothing at all of
the snarling beast.
Osama came up to Boudreaux shaking his head in disbelief. "How
could this have happened? We had our best people working for five
years with the biggest, meanest Dobermans, Rottweilers, and Siberian
wolves in the world. How did you do this?"
"Dat's easy", said Boudreaux. "We 'ad our best plasic surgins
workin' fo' five year for to make dat alligator look like a
weenie dawg."
(~Special thanks to Jo Whittington for today's chuckle!)
#19"How Yankees Do Thanksgiving"
An elderly man in North Dakota calls his son in New York and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man
says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he
hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this."
She calls North Dakota and screams at the old man, "You
are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and
hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying
their own fares...Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
~Thanks to Andy Brister for this week's chuckle!
#20 "Good News, Bad News"
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital up
north. One day while they were walking past the center's
indoor swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep
end and sunk to the bottom.
Mary promptly dove in after her friend, swimming to the
bottom and pulling him to safety.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic
act he immediately ordered her released from the hospital,
considering her mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have
good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged. Since you were able to jump in and save the
life of another patient, I think you've come to your
senses. The bad news is your friend Jim hung himself in
the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I'm sorry, but
he's dead."
Mary smiled brightly. "That's okay, he didn't hang himself.
I put him there to dry."
#21 "Church Etiquette"
Did you hear about the guy from Arkansas that went
up north on vacation? Being a regular churchgoer, Sunday
morning found him visiting in a nice big church in Maine.
His first impression was of how quiet and subdued the
service was.
At one point during the sermon, the preacher said
something the Arkansan really agreed with.
"Amen!" agreed the visitor loudly.
As the entire church turned to stare, the usher ran up
to the Arkansan. "Shhhhhh....." he said sternly. "You
can't speak out like that here."
"But I've got religion," the visitor explained.
"Fine!" said the usher. "But you didn't get it here."
#22 "Did I Say That?"
In all fairness it could've happened anywhere, but the news
bulletin puts it in Nevada. "DID I SAY THAT?"
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot," the guilty man shouted, "That's not
what I said!"
#23 "A Christmas Story"
Not long ago and far away, as Santa prepared for his annual
trip...chaos erupted. Four of his elves got sick, and the
trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
"Great!" thought Santa. When he went outside to harness the
reindeer he found three of them were about to give birth
and two had jumped the fence. More Stress! To top it off, when
he tried to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the
toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot, breaking it into
hundreds of little pieces. And then, when he went to get the broom
he found mice had eaten the straw bristles. Just then the doorbell rang. Santa stomped to the door and opened
it to find a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
"Hi, fat man," said the angel, "Where would you like to put this tree?"
And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of
the Christmas tree.~The End *This just in:
"URGENT MESSAGE FROM THE NORTH POLE"
To: All Concerned
From: Santa Claus
Effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the
Southern portion of the United States on Christmas Eve. Due to
earth's current overwhelming population my contract has been
renegotiated. Rest assured, southern children will be in good hands with your
local replacement--Bubba Claus--who happens to be my third cousin.
(Bubba's side of the family is from the South Pole.) My cousin
shares my goal of delivering toys to good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us.
Please note:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Bubba Claus prefers RC colas and mmonpies to milk and cookies
and he doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I once made the mistake of loaning him a couple
of my reindeer; Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" from
Bubba Claus. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti,
on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
6. And finally, Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over
to put presents under the tree. Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves/Union 1225
~A big thanks to Billy Frank for contributing to this week's "Chuckle".
#24 "Rednecks in the City"
I've been told I haven't done enough redneck jokes. This should
even things up a little:Back before Christmas a redneck family was visiting the city, shopping in a mall for
the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the mother picked up a few necessities. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together. "Paw," the boy asked, "what's 'at?" The father responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything
like it. I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old
lady waddled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady stepped between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. As it reached the last
number the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman
stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
#25 "A Hunting Incident"
Have you heard about the poor hunter whose wife and mother-in
-law insisted he take them on a hunting trip? It seems he finally gave in.One evening, after yet another uneventful hunt, he called it
a day and started towards the camp, intending to collect the women from their stands on the way back. As his wife was climbing down from her stand, they heard his
mother-in-law scream. Rushing towards the sound, they rounded a clearing and came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law
was backed up against a tree and a large bear stood facing her. "Darling," the wife cried, "what are we going to do?"
"Be still..." said the husband. "That bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it!"
#26 "The Golden Phone"
There was a man who decided to write a book about the different churches of the United States. He
flies to San Francisco and begins taking photographs in the very large Grace Cathedral. Suddenly he spot
a golden telephone on a wall. Above it a sign reads $10,000 a minute.
Intrigued, the writer seeks out the priest who explains that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven, and if he wants to use it, he can talk directly to God. "Thank you very much," the man says and continues on
his way. His research takes him to churches in Milwaukee, Chicago and New York. Each time he notices the same type of phone
with exactly the same sign. Each time he seeks out the parish priest, asks the same question, and gets the same
answer: it is a direct line to God. He thanks the priest and continues on his way. This continues through many other states until finally,
he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a small rural church he is about to walk right
by the standard golden telephone when the sign above it grabs his attention. This time the sign reads "Calls 25
cents." By now he is fascinated. He finds the Pastor and says to him, "Sir, I have been in cities all across the
country, and in each church I found this golden telephone and was told that it was a direct line to Heaven and that
I could talk to God. But, in all of the other churches it was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 'Calls 25 cents.' Why?"
The Pastor smiles benignly and says, "Oh, my son, that's easy. You're in the South now, it's a local call."
#27"Intercession"
How many of us can remember being taken out of church as a
child to be disciplined? Yep! I, for one, can certainly identify with this little fella.~ Shellie
"Intercession" One Sunday in a small rural church, a young child was "acting
up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing
the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked
sternly up the aisle. On his way out, just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the
congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" (Special thanks to Susan Sovelius for this week's chuckle!)
#28 "Floating Hat"
One night, a torrential rain soaked Southern Louisiana.The next
morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come when Mrs.
Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. She watched it float far out into the front yard and then
float back to the house. Again and again, it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin'
away from the house, den back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husband; I
tole dat coonie he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water!" ~thanks to Sharon May from Indiana for this week's chuckle
Click here for Southern Jokes--Page Two
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